The Pink Pills Make Me the Happiest

Sweet B’s Tidal Wave

Please allow me to be extremely honest.

It has long been a joke, for anyone who has spent more than a few minutes in my presence, that I have some serious bipolar issues. Hence, the title of this blog. My pink pills are real and when taken as prescribed, they make me quite happy.

However, I don’t take them as prescribed because I hate feeling medicated all of the time. Despite having suffered from depression and mania all of my life, I still just do not like having to take pills every day. For me, swimming goes a long way to calm my mind as do cutting back on sugar and caffeine.

This weekend there was no swimming and too much sugar and caffeine. My mind has been a jumbled mess since Friday night and  my personality has been all over the place. Even attempting to write this blog is an enormous task. For many years, I self medicated with drugs and liquor so this awareness of my triggers is a huge step forward for me.

For those reading my memoir, four years ago was when my life changed for the better. I went to prison, came home, got clean, started school, become a better mom and met the most amazing man in the world.  I realized that all of the years spent in chaos only kept my mind on a perpetual rollercoaster. By creating a calm environment, the long-standing mental issues were no longer as severe.

That’s not to say that, as I enter premenopause, the anxiety, panic, mood swings and depression don’t pop in to say hello from time to time. This weekend they all showed up at once and it’s been a helluva ride. Maybe it’s because I am ovulating (my hormones are as manic as my mind) or because school starts on Tuesday (15 hours feels like an overload) or because the weekends are always a noisy time in our house (after prison, a lot of noise really sends me over the edge).

Regardless of the trigger, I took my pills all weekend because I didn’t want to end up on an episode of “Snapped”. I make jokes about it, but in all honesty, it’s tiring to have, what I call, a fuzzy mind. My boyfriend of almost four years is the most patient, laid back, level-headed and calm man that I have ever met. I envy that more than I can begin to convey to him or anyone else.

Therefore, I hope this explains why there was no blog post yesterday. Quite simply, I could not make myself write anything coherent. Luckily, I am back on the upswing of my manic and hope to be right back at it tomorrow.


Comments on: "Sweet B’s Tidal Wave" (11)

  1. It is hard to take medication every day. It kind of makes me feel like my happiness is artificial, but at this point I would give anything to be on an even-keel. It is hard to cut back on the caffeine and sugar, and I’m glad you know what works for you. You’re so lucky to have such great people in your life.

    Keep up the good work!

  2. I can somewhat understand what you are going through. Although not bipolar, I do suffer from depression. It gives me a warm feeling to know that you have found a man who is so supportive. They are hard to find and it sounds like you, like me, are very lucky!

    • A great man IS hard to find. I waded through a lot of losers before finding him. 🙂 It helped that I was finally able to accept love and give it freely too.

  3. Glad to have you back!

  4. I had an off day blogging too.

    I totally know how you feel about the meds. I need mine to level out a bit, but sometimes I hate being *that* level. I tried doing half doses, but it wasn’t enough. Now I am onto an every other day schedule. It kinda works, until I forget for a day or two, whooops.

    • I only take my meds now when my brain feels super fuzzy. Mainly because I don’t have health insurance now and trying to stretch the pills out. 🙂 I found, in the past, that taking vitamins helps me a great deal too.

  5. I really have no experience with this or pills or medication of any kind…

    But the way I see it, a pill isn’t going to change the circumstances of life, is it? It’s definitely important to realize the triggers… Perhaps blogging more about it (wink wink)

    I was a truck driver’s wife. He came home once a month. That means in my one weekend with my husband, I often went full circle. Had to get my loving just as much as I needed rent money (and typically arguing about why he didn’t have it or where he had spent it and on who he spent it….)

    Cherish this man who loves you for who you really are, while taking pills and while you aren’t 🙂

    • Thanks girl, I do try to cherish him because I know I don’t always make loving me an easy task!

  6. What are you studying?

    • I am pursuing a Liberal Arts degree with concentrations in Technical Writing and Management. A little Legal Studies thrown in too for good measure. 🙂 I plan to go on for a Masters, just not sure in what yet. Today starts 15 hours of hell. 🙂

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