Please allow me to be extremely honest.
It has long been a joke, for anyone who has spent more than a few minutes in my presence, that I have some serious bipolar issues. Hence, the title of this blog. My pink pills are real and when taken as prescribed, they make me quite happy.
However, I don’t take them as prescribed because I hate feeling medicated all of the time. Despite having suffered from depression and mania all of my life, I still just do not like having to take pills every day. For me, swimming goes a long way to calm my mind as do cutting back on sugar and caffeine.
This weekend there was no swimming and too much sugar and caffeine. My mind has been a jumbled mess since Friday night and my personality has been all over the place. Even attempting to write this blog is an enormous task. For many years, I self medicated with drugs and liquor so this awareness of my triggers is a huge step forward for me.
For those reading my memoir, four years ago was when my life changed for the better. I went to prison, came home, got clean, started school, become a better mom and met the most amazing man in the world. I realized that all of the years spent in chaos only kept my mind on a perpetual rollercoaster. By creating a calm environment, the long-standing mental issues were no longer as severe.
That’s not to say that, as I enter premenopause, the anxiety, panic, mood swings and depression don’t pop in to say hello from time to time. This weekend they all showed up at once and it’s been a helluva ride. Maybe it’s because I am ovulating (my hormones are as manic as my mind) or because school starts on Tuesday (15 hours feels like an overload) or because the weekends are always a noisy time in our house (after prison, a lot of noise really sends me over the edge).
Regardless of the trigger, I took my pills all weekend because I didn’t want to end up on an episode of “Snapped”. I make jokes about it, but in all honesty, it’s tiring to have, what I call, a fuzzy mind. My boyfriend of almost four years is the most patient, laid back, level-headed and calm man that I have ever met. I envy that more than I can begin to convey to him or anyone else.
Therefore, I hope this explains why there was no blog post yesterday. Quite simply, I could not make myself write anything coherent. Luckily, I am back on the upswing of my manic and hope to be right back at it tomorrow.